if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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