oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
