My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
