Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
