hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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