Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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