I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
