Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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