I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
do herpes really smell.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
