I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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