there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
