I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
