Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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