I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
