how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
