The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
