Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
