I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
