Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
