Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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