do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
