I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
