You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
