So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
