I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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