I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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