I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
