Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
