Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
