I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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