Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you had me at cake vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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