Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
