had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
