mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
