Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
