Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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