when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
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I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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