my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
