just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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