Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
