I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
