and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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