I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
