I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
