If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
