You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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