I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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