Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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