does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
