What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
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Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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