the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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