I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
