i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
