I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
