i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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