My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
