If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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