1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
