Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
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Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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